Say It's the Sea Read online

  Say

  It’s

  the

  Sea

  Kristina Mahr

  Copyright © 2020 Kristina Mahr

  All rights reserved.

  ISBN-13: 979-8619973099

  Still for you.

  What if today I'm not afraid.

  Just one day of courage.

  Of bold moves & irrefutable hope.

  Just one day of vulnerability.

  Of my heart put out into the world,

  small & scarred & pulsing.

  Just one day of saying yes when I want to say yes

  & no when I want to say no.

  Of not even needing to give a reason other than

  "it's what my heart wants."

  What if today I'm not afraid.

  And then today becomes tomorrow

  becomes the day after

  becomes the whole rest of my life.

  KRISTINA MAHR

  Only the One

  I have only the one heart, and

  I gave it to only the one person.

  That he is gone now

  doesn’t change

  these facts.

  Fall Back

  I will use this extra hour as

  I have used the ones before, as I

  will use the ones that come after—

  if you were here, it would be

  loving you; with you gone, it is

  only

  missing you.

  On My Way

  This is the least lost

  I’ve ever been, though

  I’ve never been here

  before, though I have

  no idea where I am,

  though I do not know

  my way out.

  Amid so much that I

  don’t know, I know

  that I’m on my way

  to you.

  Unknow

  I would never wish

  to unknow you, but

  I would wish to unknow

  the version of you

  that no longer loves me.

  Everything

  Everything hurts. (That’s no way

  to start a poem.) My heart hurts.

  (That’s better.) But let’s think about

  anatomy. About blood sent coursing

  through veins with every pump,

  pulse, pound, with every shudder, shift,

  shatter. Blood to my head and blood

  to my toes. Who says it’s only

  blood. Who says nothing else could

  stow away, could spread, could sweep

  from head to toe and back again.

  What I’m saying is everything hurts.

  (But you can trace it all back to the heart.)

  Thank You

  When I say good morning, I mean

  thank you for being here when I wake up.

  When I say goodnight, I mean

  thank you for falling asleep beside me.

  When I say I’m sorry, I mean

  thank you for listening to me try to explain.

  When I say I miss you, I mean

  thank you for being mine to miss.

  When I say I love you, I mean

  thank you for being the person you are.

  And every inhale, every exhale, carries

  on the back of it a

  thank you for loving me.

  For You

  This is a poem that I

  don’t want to write. I will

  probably call it something like

  For You, and it won’t rhyme.

  I will be both sorry and glad

  when other people tell me

  they relate to it. I will hope that

  you read it. I will hope that you

  don’t read it. I will try to find a

  way to sneak in the words I

  love you, maybe the words

  I miss you, probably the words

  come back. It will be hard to call it

  poetry. I will reread it half a dozen

  times, but it will never become just

  words, just letters, just a piece of paper.

  It will always be something like

  bravery, something like my heart.

  It will always be for you.

  Shambles

  He says

  I have a beautiful

  smile, and I say

  thank you, when what

  I really want to

  say is, can you tell

  that everything behind it

  is in shambles.

  December

  This is how it is— nobody wants to

  hear me say that it’s December now.

  Nobody wants to hear me say

  it, and I don’t want to say it, but you

  and I both know that what I want

  has never really mattered.

  It’s December now.

  It would be December even if

  I didn’t say it.

  And you’d still be gone.

  Do You

  One foot in front of

  the other, do you

  hear me.

  Are my eyes

  open. (Then why

  can’t I see you.) Are

  my ears uncovered.

  (Then why can’t I

  hear you.) Do you

  still love me. (Then

  why can’t I feel you.)

  One foot in front of

  the other, do you

  hear me.

  Do you, can you, will you.

  Looking

  Maybe I’ve been doing this

  all wrong, looking for you instead

  of looking for love.

  So now I look for love.

  (I still hope to find you.)

  Scared

  And I’m scared that there will come a time

  when I am sad and don’t think to call you.

  And I’m scared that there will come a time

  when I am happy and don’t think to call you.

  But mostly I’m scared that there will come a time

  when I think to call you and you

  don’t answer.

  A Choice

  I have a choice— believe the best

  in you or believe the worst.

  (I let my heart decide.)

  Kindling

  We’ve always made good

  kindling; I’ve just always preferred

  the way we burn together

  over the way

  I burn

  here

  without you.

  A Sign

  I ask the universe for

  a sign as though

  the fact that you’re not here

  isn’t

  one.

  A Wandering

  I have a wandering inside of me, a bit of

  lostness inside of me, a little come find me,

  come find me, come find me inside of

  me, pure catastrophe inside of me, truly

  chaos inside of me, you say reckless and

  I say just restless inside of me, I have a

  wanting inside of me, so much reaching

  inside of me, on the tips of my toes and

  a leaning inside of me, do you look deep

  inside of me, do you see deep inside of

  me, do you want to know just what I

  hold deep inside of me—

  echoes, your name, and my heart.

  echoes, your name, and my heart.

  Mistaken

  I’m sorry, I’ve mistaken you

  for somebody else, I say, to

  strangers on the street I

  chase after when they have

  your laugh and to you

  when you tell me

/>   you don’t love me anymore.

  Nobody Fought

  This did not end with

  fire; not with drowning;

  nobody screamed, nobody

  yelled, nobody

  fought.

  It ended with silence.

  (I would have preferred the fire.)

  To Feel Alive

  Some people need to

  jump out of planes

  to feel alive; I just need

  to love you.

  Hell If

  I don’t need you.

  But hell if I don’t

  want you badly enough

  to make it feel like

  I do.

  A Tendency

  I keep

  an eye

  on hope—

  it has

  a tendency

  to get

  lost.

  Wake Me Up

  You are

  the opposite of

  a lullaby; you are

  the song I sing

  when I need

  to wake up.

  I Can Swim

  You are so sure I’ll drown,

  you’ve never given me the chance

  to show you how well

  I can swim.

  In My Bones

  I carry winter in my bones, tucked in beside

  you. My hands shake and my heart is a

  hearth. Something is dying inside me. Something

  is living inside me. One does not cancel out

  the other. I do not want them to.

  You know, I thought I might love you less by now.

  Two Months

  I keep running around

  the kitchen island, and you

  keep chasing me, and we

  are laughing, and

  I never let you catch me, I

  never let you catch me, because

  if I do, two months will pass and

  you won’t love me anymore.

  Blue

  I answer the phone, though it wasn’t

  ringing. I open the door, though no

  one knocked. It is quiet in here, silent

  in here, though I am calling your

  name. Maybe I am wrong, it occurs

  to me I may be wrong. I have turned

  my back on air because I think I can

  breathe hope. In the mirror, I see

  I am turning blue.

  Your favorite color, I think, as I call

  your name one more time.

  This Christmas

  Last Christmas, all I asked for

  was your heart.

  This Christmas, all I asked for

  was mine back.

  What Am I

  What am I?

  A girl, a risk,

  a mess of words

  and wants.

  In love with you.

  Maybe Mars

  Maybe Mars just had its heart broken.

  We declare no sign of life, and we do not

  hear it say, I’m trying, I’m trying. We say it’s

  cold up there, it’s dark up there, and we do not

  hear it say, I didn’t use to be this way. We look around

  a bit and go, and we do not

  hear it say,

  please don’t leave me here alone.

  Everywhere

  How beautiful

  to miss someone

  who is everywhere

  I look.

  This Tinder Heart

  I am less afraid

  of this tinder heart

  now that I’ve seen

  what I can pull

  from its ashes.

  Hot Potato

  We play hot potato with

  my heart; neither of us

  wants to be holding it when

  it breaks.

  The irony is, I think this

  will be the thing

  that breaks it.

  To Have To

  It isn’t difficult

  to miss you, no;

  it’s difficult to have to.

  No Closer

  I say I’m sorry to

  who I’ll be tomorrow—

  who I am today did not

  get any closer to

  not loving you.

  The Answer

  If love is not the answer,

  then I am fairly certain

  I will never understand

  the question.

  Inches or Miles

  I never know

  if you are inches or miles

  from taking my hand,

  but I keep it held out

  for you.

  Midnight

  What do you know,

  the clock struck midnight and

  I still loved you.

  Forgive Me

  Forgive me for how

  I treated your heart

  when I did not know

  I had it.

  How Many Stars

  Do you remember when

  we loved each other? I wonder

  how many stars

  have died

  since then.

  Never Going to Be

  I am not ashamed of my knees

  when they buckle / and I am not

  ashamed of my fists when they

  clench / and I am not ashamed of

  my tongue when it ties / and I am

  not ashamed of my eyes when

  they drip / and I am not / and I am

  not / and I am never going to be

  ashamed of my heart

  when it keeps

  loving you.

  Yellow Light

  You are a light that has just

  turned yellow, and I speed up

  like I can make it, like I stand

  a chance, like I don’t know

  exactly what

  comes

  next.

  Wide as the World

  I am trying to open my

  arms as wide as the world

  because I don’t know which

  part of it you might be in

  or if you might need me.

  Stitches

  I’ve been so proud of how

  I stitched my heart back together

  that it took me til now to realize—

  the stitches spell your name.

  Less

  I saw a movie today, and for

  the first time in a long time,

  my hand did not feel empty

  without yours in it. I do not

  think I’d call that loving you

  less; I think I’d call that

  starting to forgive you

  for loving me less.

  Quicksand

  They say to keep your hands free.

  They say to make yourself as light

  as possible, try to back up, reach,

  reach, reach. Reach for anything that

  might save you. Breathe in, breathe

  out. Breathe in, breathe out. They

  say stay calm. Don’t panic. Go

  slow. Don’t panic.

  They say to keep your hands free.

  Keep them high.

  Keep them yours.

  Memory Lane

  I almost never drive memory lane

  sober. I am reckless, a fool, one

  hand on the wheel and the other

  somewhere in yours. My eyes are

  on the rearview mirror, always on

  the rearview mirror, only on the

  rearview mirror. My heart is in

  my throat— no. My heart is on

  my sleeve— no. Where did you

  put my heart, can you tell me

  where you put my heart.

  I want you, but you knew that. I miss

  you, but you knew that. I love you, but—

  I know this road does not really

  lead me back to you.

  All the Wrong Things

  We built goodbye from

  bricks,
hope from

  sticks, love from

  straw, and together

  we blew all the

  wrong things to

  the ground.

  While You’re Here

  I don’t want to hold you here;

  I just want to hold you while you’re here.

  Afraid

  I hid from you

  because I was afraid

  of you, but I was only

  afraid of you because

  you hid

  from me.

  Abracadabra

  Look at this, would you

  look at this—

  I have peeled away the

  bitter

  and only left the

  sweet.

  Something Small and Lonely

  Lately my body is a house and I am something

  small and lonely locked inside of it, trying to hold

  it all together, rushing to my hands to pry my

  fingers open before realizing that my feet are

  carrying me back to you, and as I hurry down to

  try to stop them, my lips form the shape of

  your name and a stop and a please, and I cannot

  get to them in time, I cannot get to them in time,

  and my heart, my heart is breaking and it is

  taking down the walls of me, it is taking down

  the all of me, and I swear, I swear, I am trying

  to hold it all together, but—

  I am only something small and lonely.

  And your laugh is in here with me.

  And I am scared that it will leave me, too.

  Lone Survivor

  Sometimes I think

  at the end of the world,

  the only thing left standing