Say It's the Sea
Say
It’s
the
Sea
Kristina Mahr
Copyright © 2020 Kristina Mahr
All rights reserved.
ISBN-13: 979-8619973099
Still for you.
What if today I'm not afraid.
Just one day of courage.
Of bold moves & irrefutable hope.
Just one day of vulnerability.
Of my heart put out into the world,
small & scarred & pulsing.
Just one day of saying yes when I want to say yes
& no when I want to say no.
Of not even needing to give a reason other than
"it's what my heart wants."
What if today I'm not afraid.
And then today becomes tomorrow
becomes the day after
becomes the whole rest of my life.
KRISTINA MAHR
Only the One
I have only the one heart, and
I gave it to only the one person.
That he is gone now
doesn’t change
these facts.
Fall Back
I will use this extra hour as
I have used the ones before, as I
will use the ones that come after—
if you were here, it would be
loving you; with you gone, it is
only
missing you.
On My Way
This is the least lost
I’ve ever been, though
I’ve never been here
before, though I have
no idea where I am,
though I do not know
my way out.
Amid so much that I
don’t know, I know
that I’m on my way
to you.
Unknow
I would never wish
to unknow you, but
I would wish to unknow
the version of you
that no longer loves me.
Everything
Everything hurts. (That’s no way
to start a poem.) My heart hurts.
(That’s better.) But let’s think about
anatomy. About blood sent coursing
through veins with every pump,
pulse, pound, with every shudder, shift,
shatter. Blood to my head and blood
to my toes. Who says it’s only
blood. Who says nothing else could
stow away, could spread, could sweep
from head to toe and back again.
What I’m saying is everything hurts.
(But you can trace it all back to the heart.)
Thank You
When I say good morning, I mean
thank you for being here when I wake up.
When I say goodnight, I mean
thank you for falling asleep beside me.
When I say I’m sorry, I mean
thank you for listening to me try to explain.
When I say I miss you, I mean
thank you for being mine to miss.
When I say I love you, I mean
thank you for being the person you are.
And every inhale, every exhale, carries
on the back of it a
thank you for loving me.
For You
This is a poem that I
don’t want to write. I will
probably call it something like
For You, and it won’t rhyme.
I will be both sorry and glad
when other people tell me
they relate to it. I will hope that
you read it. I will hope that you
don’t read it. I will try to find a
way to sneak in the words I
love you, maybe the words
I miss you, probably the words
come back. It will be hard to call it
poetry. I will reread it half a dozen
times, but it will never become just
words, just letters, just a piece of paper.
It will always be something like
bravery, something like my heart.
It will always be for you.
Shambles
He says
I have a beautiful
smile, and I say
thank you, when what
I really want to
say is, can you tell
that everything behind it
is in shambles.
December
This is how it is— nobody wants to
hear me say that it’s December now.
Nobody wants to hear me say
it, and I don’t want to say it, but you
and I both know that what I want
has never really mattered.
It’s December now.
It would be December even if
I didn’t say it.
And you’d still be gone.
Do You
One foot in front of
the other, do you
hear me.
Are my eyes
open. (Then why
can’t I see you.) Are
my ears uncovered.
(Then why can’t I
hear you.) Do you
still love me. (Then
why can’t I feel you.)
One foot in front of
the other, do you
hear me.
Do you, can you, will you.
Looking
Maybe I’ve been doing this
all wrong, looking for you instead
of looking for love.
So now I look for love.
(I still hope to find you.)
Scared
And I’m scared that there will come a time
when I am sad and don’t think to call you.
And I’m scared that there will come a time
when I am happy and don’t think to call you.
But mostly I’m scared that there will come a time
when I think to call you and you
don’t answer.
A Choice
I have a choice— believe the best
in you or believe the worst.
(I let my heart decide.)
Kindling
We’ve always made good
kindling; I’ve just always preferred
the way we burn together
over the way
I burn
here
without you.
A Sign
I ask the universe for
a sign as though
the fact that you’re not here
isn’t
one.
A Wandering
I have a wandering inside of me, a bit of
lostness inside of me, a little come find me,
come find me, come find me inside of
me, pure catastrophe inside of me, truly
chaos inside of me, you say reckless and
I say just restless inside of me, I have a
wanting inside of me, so much reaching
inside of me, on the tips of my toes and
a leaning inside of me, do you look deep
inside of me, do you see deep inside of
me, do you want to know just what I
hold deep inside of me—
echoes, your name, and my heart.
echoes, your name, and my heart.
Mistaken
I’m sorry, I’ve mistaken you
for somebody else, I say, to
strangers on the street I
chase after when they have
your laugh and to you
when you tell me
/> you don’t love me anymore.
Nobody Fought
This did not end with
fire; not with drowning;
nobody screamed, nobody
yelled, nobody
fought.
It ended with silence.
(I would have preferred the fire.)
To Feel Alive
Some people need to
jump out of planes
to feel alive; I just need
to love you.
Hell If
I don’t need you.
But hell if I don’t
want you badly enough
to make it feel like
I do.
A Tendency
I keep
an eye
on hope—
it has
a tendency
to get
lost.
Wake Me Up
You are
the opposite of
a lullaby; you are
the song I sing
when I need
to wake up.
I Can Swim
You are so sure I’ll drown,
you’ve never given me the chance
to show you how well
I can swim.
In My Bones
I carry winter in my bones, tucked in beside
you. My hands shake and my heart is a
hearth. Something is dying inside me. Something
is living inside me. One does not cancel out
the other. I do not want them to.
You know, I thought I might love you less by now.
Two Months
I keep running around
the kitchen island, and you
keep chasing me, and we
are laughing, and
I never let you catch me, I
never let you catch me, because
if I do, two months will pass and
you won’t love me anymore.
Blue
I answer the phone, though it wasn’t
ringing. I open the door, though no
one knocked. It is quiet in here, silent
in here, though I am calling your
name. Maybe I am wrong, it occurs
to me I may be wrong. I have turned
my back on air because I think I can
breathe hope. In the mirror, I see
I am turning blue.
Your favorite color, I think, as I call
your name one more time.
This Christmas
Last Christmas, all I asked for
was your heart.
This Christmas, all I asked for
was mine back.
What Am I
What am I?
A girl, a risk,
a mess of words
and wants.
In love with you.
Maybe Mars
Maybe Mars just had its heart broken.
We declare no sign of life, and we do not
hear it say, I’m trying, I’m trying. We say it’s
cold up there, it’s dark up there, and we do not
hear it say, I didn’t use to be this way. We look around
a bit and go, and we do not
hear it say,
please don’t leave me here alone.
Everywhere
How beautiful
to miss someone
who is everywhere
I look.
This Tinder Heart
I am less afraid
of this tinder heart
now that I’ve seen
what I can pull
from its ashes.
Hot Potato
We play hot potato with
my heart; neither of us
wants to be holding it when
it breaks.
The irony is, I think this
will be the thing
that breaks it.
To Have To
It isn’t difficult
to miss you, no;
it’s difficult to have to.
No Closer
I say I’m sorry to
who I’ll be tomorrow—
who I am today did not
get any closer to
not loving you.
The Answer
If love is not the answer,
then I am fairly certain
I will never understand
the question.
Inches or Miles
I never know
if you are inches or miles
from taking my hand,
but I keep it held out
for you.
Midnight
What do you know,
the clock struck midnight and
I still loved you.
Forgive Me
Forgive me for how
I treated your heart
when I did not know
I had it.
How Many Stars
Do you remember when
we loved each other? I wonder
how many stars
have died
since then.
Never Going to Be
I am not ashamed of my knees
when they buckle / and I am not
ashamed of my fists when they
clench / and I am not ashamed of
my tongue when it ties / and I am
not ashamed of my eyes when
they drip / and I am not / and I am
not / and I am never going to be
ashamed of my heart
when it keeps
loving you.
Yellow Light
You are a light that has just
turned yellow, and I speed up
like I can make it, like I stand
a chance, like I don’t know
exactly what
comes
next.
Wide as the World
I am trying to open my
arms as wide as the world
because I don’t know which
part of it you might be in
or if you might need me.
Stitches
I’ve been so proud of how
I stitched my heart back together
that it took me til now to realize—
the stitches spell your name.
Less
I saw a movie today, and for
the first time in a long time,
my hand did not feel empty
without yours in it. I do not
think I’d call that loving you
less; I think I’d call that
starting to forgive you
for loving me less.
Quicksand
They say to keep your hands free.
They say to make yourself as light
as possible, try to back up, reach,
reach, reach. Reach for anything that
might save you. Breathe in, breathe
out. Breathe in, breathe out. They
say stay calm. Don’t panic. Go
slow. Don’t panic.
They say to keep your hands free.
Keep them high.
Keep them yours.
Memory Lane
I almost never drive memory lane
sober. I am reckless, a fool, one
hand on the wheel and the other
somewhere in yours. My eyes are
on the rearview mirror, always on
the rearview mirror, only on the
rearview mirror. My heart is in
my throat— no. My heart is on
my sleeve— no. Where did you
put my heart, can you tell me
where you put my heart.
I want you, but you knew that. I miss
you, but you knew that. I love you, but—
I know this road does not really
lead me back to you.
All the Wrong Things
We built goodbye from
bricks,
hope from
sticks, love from
straw, and together
we blew all the
wrong things to
the ground.
While You’re Here
I don’t want to hold you here;
I just want to hold you while you’re here.
Afraid
I hid from you
because I was afraid
of you, but I was only
afraid of you because
you hid
from me.
Abracadabra
Look at this, would you
look at this—
I have peeled away the
bitter
and only left the
sweet.
Something Small and Lonely
Lately my body is a house and I am something
small and lonely locked inside of it, trying to hold
it all together, rushing to my hands to pry my
fingers open before realizing that my feet are
carrying me back to you, and as I hurry down to
try to stop them, my lips form the shape of
your name and a stop and a please, and I cannot
get to them in time, I cannot get to them in time,
and my heart, my heart is breaking and it is
taking down the walls of me, it is taking down
the all of me, and I swear, I swear, I am trying
to hold it all together, but—
I am only something small and lonely.
And your laugh is in here with me.
And I am scared that it will leave me, too.
Lone Survivor
Sometimes I think
at the end of the world,
the only thing left standing